I’m not sure saying goodbye on this earth to someone you are so close to or love so much ever gets any easier; maybe just more manageable over time?
It’s been 28 months since I said goodbye to my best friend of 17 years who also became my sister in law 10 years into our friendship. I’m pretty sure I cried without fail every single day through year one. Year two tears didn’t fall as often, but depression & quiet realization hit me hard.
Yesterday, I turned around in TJMaxx & saw that cute little teased ponytail on your five foot, 90lb frame & for a second-a glorious second-I leaned in & smiled at you. Only it was not you. Some beautiful teased pony tailed lady, but not my beautiful sista.
Crying in TJMaxx seems to be my thing and I’m sure the security sits up tall when they see me on camera. “There’s the random crying blonde again. 10-4, I’ve got her on radar. She’s not crying on the sock bin AGAIN.” I can only imagine this is what they may say.
TJMaxx was our store. We giggled & squealed. I tried to find something hideous for you every visit and poke you proudly while saying, “Happy Birthday!” You crossed your legs squealing & laughing until you could find something equally hideous to show me and yell, “Merry Christmas!,” with your sparkling grin.
We’d carry our prizes to the car to sometimes find we had to put the top down just to fit our trophies in your tiny beemer. You’d see my giddy face turn to mush on the drive home & smile & say, “it’s okay, you can hide your packages at my house so dat brother of mine doesn’t get mad at my sista!” (He never did, I think the guilt just made me think he might! Haha)
Though always a small, distant heaviness in my chest, I’m learning to live without you on this earth. It’s ugly, I hate it, yet you push me & you don’t know it. I got chubby. Really chubby. Then I could hear you in my mind say, “you’ll get skinny again!” So I finally did. I sat on my butt and cried for a year until I knew you’d kick my butt and tell me, “I’m not skeered of you!!”
So I got my new skinny butt up. While everyone was having the worst year of their life in 2020; I glowed because it wasn’t 2018 again. I did crazy things for a 52 year old. Despite my daughter’s plea to NOT get in TikTok, I thought what a fun, creative outlet for someone who lives for music, telling a story, fashion & creating.
I had 18 followers the first month. Then something crazy happened. Someone liked my video. Then 350k people did. And more and more. I made two videos about you and they both went viral. Go figure-anything you had a hand in has always shined 🙂
I just kept pursing dreams that I knew others might laugh at. But you wouldn’t. I can hear you say, “my sista can do anything!” There’s greater things than TikTok, for sure, haha. I’m mostly still a nobody haha. But I felt your hand gently push my back this year & it became one of my happiest years of my life.
Because of you, I wake up next to the sweetest man I ever met every single morning. Because of you, I don’t want to waste a single second being with people and Blogging, singing, modeling my heart at, because I know now my time may be up at any second. I NEED to create and I need to impact people like you did, but in my own quirky Trishy way.
I love you, my sweet friend & one day….one day….but for now, I’ll probably continue dripping tears on the sock bin at TJMaxx. But I won’t stop doing all the things that make me, me. Because of you…
If you’d like to see my two TikToks about LeAnn, you can here:
